These are some random men whose pictures I took in Provincetown. Well, not so random, I guess, because the top one is me and the next two were chose for their hotness.
Sometimes I'm still surprised that I don't have the life I always thought I'd lead. I've now become friends with a host of gay men who have been partnered for many years and gotten married recently, several of whom who also have children. Some are sober, some are not. Most, however, are HIV-. They didn't go through their 20s and 30s relatively certain the end was near, not to mention their semen was tainted.
Still, I can't really "blame" that, or blame anything. My journey was my journey. I got sober for the first time at 26, and didn't stay sober. I had more research to do. I beat this bad boy to a pulp, dragging out to the bitter end past all sense my story until the LAPD stepped in when I was 45.
I'd love to have a child, even without a lover--I can think of at least one female friend who would happily raise one with me. But even if I adopted a child who needs it most, a 7 or 8 year old in the foster care system, I simply don't have the economic wherewithal to do it. If I was lucky enough to have a baby, I would be taking him or her to college when I was past 70. I just can't see it.
That said, I do not ache for this road not taken. It appeals to me in the sense that I love kids and I notice how transformational fatherhood is for my friends who have chosen it. Once they take the plunge, no one regrets the choice. In fact, they can't imagine their life without it.
At the same time, it is a great pleasure to have all the time in the world to write, and if I can maintain discipline, to have the prospect of continuing to produce more and more artistic offspring. Of course fatherhood would not prevent that, but a child would have to be first priority. My biological clock is ticking, but not that loudly.
As far as a man goes, I just don't know what else to do but live in acceptance. I'm not comfortable on the hunt anymore, in the bars or online. I just have to leave it to the universe to put someone in my path or not. Meanwhile, David and I manage to do an awfully good imitation of marriage. and the fact that it is entirely vertical probably makes it more similar to most relationships than not. I pretty much love my life.
Still, men like these do fill one's head with all sort of ideas, don't they? Maybe I'll go to the No on 8 demonstration (LA is afire with angry gay men) today and grab myself a future husband.
MCO 2008
Yep, they are hot.