The woman, the child and the man watching them--the father? husband? a stranger? the painter?--are via Gaugin; the women and boy in blue are via Hodler.
I've been wrestling with finding the balance between restraint of pen and tongue, and telling the truth as I see it. I've tried the unconditionally supportive route, and find it wanting. It didn't work in Sex in the City, and it doesn't work in my life. You need to be honest with your friends and loved ones about how you feel about their choices, even if they get angry at hearing something they don't want to hear. One such situation led to a blistering argument in which I was delighted to be the objective of invective, because I felt this incredible relief from the person expressing it. You see, in my opinion, it is her discomfort with her own anger that is at the core of much of what ails her. (That said, I must admit the delight came later when I heard she felt better for having voiced her resentments. At the moment of hearing them, of course it wasn't pleasant. But thank God I didn't say a few things I might have regretted later. Sometimes getting hung up on is a lucky break.)
In the blogosphere, the "rules" are much less clear--we're in a new world. You sort of know someone you've read for years well, and you sort of don't. As a writer who considers his very essence about his capacity to acutely perceive the world, and humans in particular, I can be pretty dead on in getting to the heart of the matter. Sometimes when I find someone's entry objectionable for any number of reasons--contradictory, hypocritical, passive/agressive, politically obtuse, opaque, and mostly, self-deceiving--I don't hold back from pointing it out, and sometimes ex-parte emails can bump it up a notch in the wish-I-didn't-say-that-even-if-I-meant-it department.
And so, I have to look at my motivation. Am I trying to show off my verbal and psychological acumen? Am I just telling the truth as I see it? What does that serve if it hurts someone's feelings? I would say, that in fact, it's often the only time it really serves, because it is only the truth that hurts, just like the expression says. But I don't say certain things in order to be hurtful, even if that is sometimes the perception.
Most of the bloggers who have been hurt by some of my comments I will never meet. Who am I to them, really, to say anything at all? I have never even seen their face or shaken their hand or spoken to them on the phone--are we really friends? None of their choices affect me, truly. I am not their therapist. If I don't like what they have to say or how they say it, I can just stop reading them or commenting.
Usually, I stop short from stopping, but I do take a break. Cooling-off periods are part of most friendships that mean anything, after all. And in the end, I do think reading someone's words as they read yours over a period of years does make a friendship--I even coined the word "blogami" to describe the relationship. And I think you should tell them the truth as you see it, because that's what friends do. Sometimes something you need to learn about yourself is hard to hear at first, but later on you are grateful to have been made aware of it.
And that goes double. If you ever think I'm full of shit, or being inauthentic, or obtuse, or self-righteous, or a know-it-all, or simply blind, you can tell me. Don't think I haven't heard these things about myself. I try to call myself on it before you have to, but I'm as flawed a human being as anybody.
What I won't do is leave generic comments that could be left by anybody, comments that never challenge, that never question, that never even observe. That would not be making use of my brain, and an insult to a lifetime of education and millions of years of evolution. It's just not who I am.
MCO 2008
It's such a difficult balancing act between speaking truth and speaking perceptions. That's what I worry about all the time, am I telling truth or am I speaking what I believe to be truth? Yet, I think that I would say that it is better to err on the side of truth, that is, speak the truth as you know it and encourage the other person to do the same. I agree that the old cliche, truth hurts, has merit. If it is not our intent to hurt, then I think that we are engaging in truth telling for bonafide reasons.
When it comes to comments on journals, I prefer truth. I find the point of view of others quite fascinating. That doesn't mean tthat I always agree and when I don't, I've been known to address a comment left on my journal with an entire entry. As for friendships via journals, I believe that genuine communication is the core of friendship. We communicate through words, certainly nonverbal communication has its place in building relationships, but words are the purest essence of communication. What is blogging all about except words? We are somewhat hampered because we have no other communication clues, no contextual observations to help us decipher meaning but that in and of itself creates new challenges in developing friendships through our words. So keep commenting, my blogami, I always look forward to what you have to tell me.
" You need to be honest with your friends and loved ones about how you feel about their choices, even if they get angry at hearing something they don't want to hear."
Perhaps if you had substituted the word I for "you" this statement could be perceived as a statement of how "you" are and not how "I" should be. Never mind what you may have meant, that is what was said. I think that is sort of a benign example of how all of us get into trouble with people we care about while expressing our truth. What is our truth anyway but another perspective, and one's that's not necessarily universal so expressing it can be tricky.
Then there is always the question of information that has not implicitly been asked for. That's not always solid ground to tread on and a person can easily shift from asserting their truth to be helpful to asserting their truth because it is their God-given right—or more importantly, be perceived that way. It's a fine line my friend and I have found that feelings will get hurt if I am not careful, and hurt feelings are not helpful at all—not to me, not the person I wish only the best for and not to the situation. Plus, for me, how I feel is important. Nothing good seems to happen when I feel bad so my hurt feelings always trumps any good advice.
It has not escaped my notice that you did not ask for this information but since you have posted about this issue on more than one occasion, I am taking a chance. So in that way, perhaps you are asking though not specifically from me. There you have it, it's a fine line and even as I write this I am unsure (and concerned) if I have crossed it.
Why be all about speaking your truth anyway? Isn't it enough to be adorable? I watched the Sam Harris video blog and thought you quite charming and sparkly—the sparkly part being no easy feat at our age. How's about that for expressing some truth?