When I was in prison, I used to project myself into the future in my head. I would literally try to BE out of there, and do my damnest to imagine myself as living a memory. It was a mind game, magical thinking at best, but when I was finally out, I actually made sure to reach back to myself in the past, to say, see, it worked. You're here now.
I'd like you to read Steven's latest entry, Obedience, over at Prison's a Bitch. (Click on the entry to enlarge it to readability) It really puts my experience in perspective. I was in for 9 1/2 months, and when I had 6 months left, that seemed like forever. For him, after 10 years, 6 months before discharge he considers himself "close to the gate." But these last 2 years, he been doing his Federal time, and it's a whole step up in intensity from doing state time in California.
The weird thing for me when I read him is that I find myself thinking: "God, I could never go to prison. I just couldn't handle it." The experience has become foreign to me again, and yet an absolutely essential reminder of where the disease of addiction can take me. The idea that I could have continued doing anything with such clear and impending dire consequences seems almost impossible to believe.
As you can imagine, those thoughts are magnified times ten for Steven. He's trying to mantaiin his humanity (which he will pretty much admit had departed in the circumstances that led to his arrest) in the midst of a jungle that is the antithesis of sanity.
And please comment. I forward them all.
MCO 2008
this is a beautiful post. thank you for reminding me to think of steven.
and i can't wait to see you.
This ones tooo good. love it. congrats on your new market.