Woe be the painter who gives me a blank wall to fill up. In this case the man is rendered by Munch, the village landscape behind him is Corot. It feels rather like a self-portrait.
I am extremely frustrated by the problems or work and money these days. The vagaries of software and how it relates to certain printers means that is infuriatingly hard to get the images centered on the Hy-Art cards. To check your work means chewing through color cartridges, hence eating up much of the little profit I have made so far.
I know I am experiencing nothing worse than what any entrepreneur does starting a business. Frankly, it's naive to think you can make any profit at the beginning as you really have to reinvest everything you make at first to perfect your product.
The Holly-Art is a promising idea, but poses a host of other issues, particularly, the more current the celebrity, the more saleable the card, but the more you risk angry letters from lawyers about unauthorized use of image. Also, detail gets lost on small cards, what looks great on the computer can look paltry and vague in a small frame.
I am unwilling to get a loan. This enterprise is interesting to me as a cottage industry, I simply can't bear the idea of incorporating a business with all the concommitant paperwork, and devoted my energies to it in a way that would require neglecting (even more) my real raison d'etre in this world---writing. I love creating the art--pushing the cards in retail outlets is of zero interest. And I fear debt. I've been in it, and not having any is one of my very few real blessings I can count financially.
Of course, when I listen to the news from Basra and around the world, I can only say to myself: "Get a problem!" Being unable to renew your AAA membership or imagine how you'll ever make it to France again is pretty minor shit in the great scheme of things. Still, I only have my own experience, and there is no way around the enormous gap that I feel between where I thought I would be at this age and where I am. Trust me, I lack no confidence in my skills and talents, but I haven't yet been able to translate those into a living, and I periodically battle an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.
Clearly I need to hit the job market again, get over my fear of rejection and disappointment, but mostly my fear of change, of doing something I don't feel like doing Yes, I am limping like a mother-fo, but that just means I can tell the interviewer I can allow her to cite me in her next "do you hire the disabled?" survey.
Writing this out is actually pretty helpful. I realize what I spoiled brat I am, really, full of grandiosity and entitlement about how I should or shouldn't spend my time. I need to get some willingess to do what it takes, and SNAP OUT OF IT!
MCO 2008
I am unfamiliar with this portrait by Munch. I like the gentleman's face; he looks like a person that you would want to get to know. In that sense, I can see it as a self-portrait (yours, not mine).
I think that you are being a bit hard on yourself; however, I respect your right to engage in self-examination and criticism. Just keep in mind, that we all tend to filter the universe through self and our own needs. I think that you do a better job than most of recognizing that and thereby stepping outside of a me-centered universe.
I empathize with your feeling of inadequacy. I'm the woman who left teaching to become a lawyer who doesn't make a huge amount of money. Sometimes, I feel inadequate in comparison to my peers. I also don't like change and elect not to pursue some more lucrative possibilities that would still allow me to adhere to my personal code of ethics because I fear rejection. I'm babbling on becasue what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone. I suspect that a lot of thinking people who choose to live an examined life go through these same feelings and thought processes. I actually think that gives us a leg up because the real sin is living an unexamined life. (my respects to Socrates).