Well, I got an emotional call from Alan today, telling me that after consultation with his sponsor, he regretfully agreed that it was probably best for him to remain out of anything resembling a relationship for a while. He was clearly relieved to hear me tell him that he was getting excellent advice, and he had all my support. I added that I wasn’t going anywhere, and after he got some time under his belt, if I stayed unattached, as far as I was concerned the door could be reopened to exploring something again. He was happy to hear that too.
I was actually thinking this was the smartest way to go, but if I had suggested it, it would have come off as an excuse to do what I wanted to do anyway, and that wasn’t at all the case. But there’s truly no harm in becoming friends first, we’ve already established a sexual chemistry, and that’s not going anywhere either. Gay men in general have a terrible propensity to conduct relationships backwards: we start out as lovers, and end up as strangers. Why not actually try the radical idea of getting to know someone well, and then, if so justified, get even closer?
Then again, it can be argued that no one would ever get involved with anybody else if they got to know them well first. How often, in practice, does someone else get more attractive the longer you know them? It happens, of course, but just as often as the bloom comes off the rose, one becomes acutely conscious of the thorns one was at first blind to. Hence a divorce rate of 50%.
In any case, there is a higher priority here than a potential romance. Staying sober can be a matter of life and death, and that’s no exaggeration. Whatever it takes to stack the cards in favor of sobriety must come first.
And the universe doesn’t seem to want me to get attached right now either. At the same time, I’m getting a lot of attention I did not get months ago. I intend to enjoy it.
MCO 2005
