March 18, 2005
Well, one thing that can be said about Michael Jackson. His song “Man in the Mirror” was fairly insightful.
I have met the problem and he is me. I am confronting the reality that, in an effort to nurture independence in others, I merely end up doing the opposite. I end up taking responsibility for their lives, instead of insisting that they take responsibility for their own—even if that means that they end up turning to others for just more dependence, or flirting with real disaster (possible homelessness or even jail).
I did this for 10 years with Cheri, a fabulously talented singer and comedienne who I went to high school with and then met up again in New York City a few years later. She became my roommate, my confidante, my muse. I directed her in several cabaret shows that got unbelievable reviews, and put up with an equally unbelievable amount of her self-destructive behavior and insane relationships with men. And, unbeknownst to me until I finally moved out (and soon later to California) a covert heroin addiction. After seeing her briefly again in New York at the time my father was dying (in 1996), accompanying her to a methadone clinic, I lost touch with her. I successfully googled her once a few years ago and found out she was doing some comedy gigs in the N.Y. metro area.
Maybe she finally got sober for real, I don’t know. The point is that I moved heaven and earth during those ten years because she was so amazingly talented and I couldn’t bear her to fail. It just seemed wrong, a waste. Or was it me I couldn’t bear failing, because I had tied up my success with hers? And it was hardly the last time I have engaged in such a co-dependent relationship, obviously.I could ask why I have been so willing to be Hillary Clinton to their Bill, but it doesn’t really matter why. The reality of it is enough.
I couldn’t really successfully address my own role in this dynamic until getting sober. And someone else’s sobriety is only a context for change, it is no guarantee. I cannot control others, but I can control me. Unfortunately, altering the dynamic is not a smooth process. I must be willing to face the possible consequence that the other will fail. But I can no longer take responsibility for their success—or failure.
Today I am exhausted, and I imagine it’s psychological. But ain’t it a kick how “real” the exhaustion is, whether is causes are physical or mental?
MCO 2005
