March 29, 2005
Well, thank the Goddesses, the oral surgeon removed the offending, dangling tooth gratis, and bought us valuable time until an extraction can be paid for. Hallelujah and pass the novocaine.
This morning I resumed my daily morning walk, as I have been missing the centering of my day that comes from a conversation with the sun and a conscious “turning over” to my higher power. At one point I had to laugh though, as I realized I looked up imagining an old man in a long white beard parting the clouds. What’s an ex-Catholic to do? Then again, it does make sense that even if one’s parents try to encourage the most abstract idea of God possible, that a child will, perforce, form the most literal concept he or she can come up with. And we grow up, and completely get over such nonsense, and yet like so many “stories” from our childhood, it is imprinted on us.
Will this morning anxiety be a lifelong battle? God I hope not. I did finally get a sponsor this weekend, and am discussing tackling the dreaded 4th step, in which one performs an exhaustive inventory of all of one’s resentments and one’s role in all of them. In my mind I have done this, and have taken responsibility for my part, but I do not trust myself not to more likely be engaging in a sort of glib attempt to be the smartest kid in the class, to show the teacher I “got” it before everyone else. A bit of humility is called for. I gotta get with the program, in the most literal of ways.
I am finding sobriety sort of relentless, like traveling at 55 mph exactly for thousands of miles on the freeway. Admittedly, traveling at a constant 95 mph hour was equally relentless, and far more dangerous, so I can’t say I miss it. I’d like to be on a horse, galloping occasionally, cantering from time to time, and sometimes just walking next to her, or sleeping under a tree as she munches on some hay. Unfortunately, like all of us, I am living in a freeway world. Which ain’t very free either. (My European readers must be laughing at the poor American boob. They’ve been paying these gas prices for years!)
MCO 2005
Well this European aint laughing at ya as i'm not evenon the autobahn to recovery yet i'm still realising and reeling from the damage i've done to me ( and others ) and its hard to find the strength to do anything but fall on drugs, drink, whatever when they seem to be the only friend in the isolation we create for ourselves on them.
Looking for shadows of higher powers.
Desik:
I actually went to an AA meeting in Stuttgart, when I first got sober in 1986 and visited my sponsor in Germany. They were a real nice group, although my German wasn't quite up to snuff. I take it from your autobahn reference that you are in Germany. Do consider checking AA/NA out. And thanks for reading. I hope it helps you feel less isolated. Keep reaching out. If you can't find a higher power, you can borrow mine. She's great. And feel free to email me directly.
Fun's fun, but espousing a garbage 12 Step program is too much. A "sponser" is the worst enemy you ever had, someone who'll impede every appeal process you have in your attempt to clear your record. It's obvious, if you successfully appealed your case, had your conviction overturned, then no more court-ordered rehab and no more "sponser." Sponser=parasite. 12 Steps=Zero Progress. Big hole in Prop 36, California writer-dude, have you missed that or something?
Obviously you have had a bad experience with a sponsor.
Please allow for the possibility that millions (including me) have had wonderful,positive experiences with sponsors and AA.