And now, a certain someone's second tooth (of the 4 remaining unextracted in trouble) is dangling by a thread. We are off to the oral surgeon at 11:30, post-dated check in hand. (Fortunately, money is due in for him at the beginning of the month. It is just disheartening that most of it is virtually spent on these damn teeth). But we are bouyed by yesterday's news about the book. It was very validating.
I also checked the website for the Publishing House where his book has been submitted, and found out they accept unsolicited inquiries in the form of a cover letter and 20-page sample. I have always heard that you can't get anywhere in publishing without an agent. While it is certainly true that submissions from an agent are given priority, it does make me think I should perhaps not wait to start shopping the Blog (the prison part at least). My sister has been urging me to do just that, and I think she's right. I've wanted very much for interested parties to come to me, (thinking Being Alive would give me sufficient exposure) and just busy enough that there was always something to do rather than sit down and do the necessary tightening up and copy-editing necessary to submit it. They are just excuses.
No doubt the real reason behind my reluctance harkens back to a fear of the past repeating itself. I wrote and shopped a screenplay in the mid-90s that got so painfully close to being made it still hurts that it wasn't. Hell, they sent me to Rome to do rewrites with the Director, that's how close it got! Then he died, just as the first director had. Talk about a lesson in powerlessness.
Saturday night I heard a speaker in AA who I wasn't crazy about, but he did share a crucial observation. Willingness is not about wanting something. It is about doing something even if you don't want to, or are afraid of it. It is about taking risks, and being open to all results. If you are not willing to fail, you won't be open to being a success, either.
So I must make the time to do what's necessary to get "Journal 286" (for my 286 days in the pen) out there more aggressively. If I get a bunch of rejection letters, than I will have something to wallpaper the bathroom with. If I don't do it now, when I'm still unemployed, it'll be a lot harder when I get a job.
If Larry's death reminded me of anything, it was that life is not a rehearsal. You are on stage, not someone's understudy. So I better get cracking, oughtn't I?
MCO 2005
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