February 2005 Archives

Warts and All

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February 28, 2005

I live in L.A and I am a gay man. I am required to watch the Oscars, by law, so I did. (It is our Super Bowl). But as I had a commitment "greeting" at a meeting, halfway through we put in a video and recorded the rest.

A firecracker petite blonde with a heavy Boston accent told a much better story than even Jamie Foxx, so I made the right decision. As for the Oscars, I will only confess my personal disappointment that Annette Bening did not win for Best Actress. I love Hilary Swank for her performace as Brandon Teena in "Boy Don't Cry," but I refuse to see "Million Dollar Baby" because I abhor violence in films, and sorry, boxing is violent.

The icing on the cake is a suspected outbreak of herpes on my chin. Just in time for my reading at Highland Grounds and my interview Wednesday.

When I perform, I may have to step away from the light, (Carol Ann--from "Poltergeist," for those who don't get the reference.) As for the interview, well I've been able to show all my warts so far. I just didn't need quite so much of a visual aid.

MCO 2005

Darkness before the Dawn?

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February 27, 2005

Today in the New York Times there is a harrowing article on a private healthcare company called Prison Health Services that is wreaking havoc through the prison system by providing completely inadequate healthcare for a large swath of the incarcerated population. The headline reads "As Health Care in Jails Goes Private, 10 Days Can Be a Death Sentence." It details several cases, among many, where inmates died from gross negligence directly tied to bare-boned care and incompetent staff.

I can only be relieved that this article did not come out while I was inside, because my poor mother might have gone into a tailspin. (Not that she wasn't in one of them anyway, but the spinning slowed a bit after I was in a few months.) To be fair, I found my healthcare to be fairly adequate, but this must of course be viewed in the context of national system where so many of those treated in jails receive no healthcare whatsoever on the outside. The larger problem, is, of course, a society that accepts the disenfranchisement of a large portion of its population, a society gone so mad for the free market that the unfree don't get a place at the table.

On a lighter note, there is no lighter note. Is it just me, or is everybody feeling out of sorts this weekend? Actually I know it is not just me, because a slew of people I've met in the past 24 hours attested to the same. A woman even starting talking to me while I was vacuuming my car at the car wash and described 8-months of a fruitless job hunt. She was around 60, with a heavy Russian accent, and said she was on the verge of homelessness. She wasn't asking for money, but when I commiserated about being unemployed, she said "we need to get together--people like us--and do something." What that something was, I had no idea. I could only suggest that if she couldn't find a job, she needed perhaps to create one--like cleaning houses. I felt completely lame, as I drove off, claiming an appointment.

All I could do is buy a lotto ticket, and promise myself that if I won, I would track down this poor lady and give her a wad of cash.

MCO 2005

P.S. Anyone interested in constructive change may want to check out "BooksnotBars.Org." They'll get another wad of cash if the Lotto Gods smile on me. No, I'm not holding my breath, and no doubt no one else is.

February 26, 2005

Today is frankly, completely clouded by anxiety about money.

As a WASP, I resent this. We are supposed to have money. and not supposed to talk about it.

And I remember why I did become a drug dealer. The stress alleviated by suddenly always having cash to pay for things like doctor's visits for the uninsured, for example, was considerable. This does not mean that I would remotely consider a return to the old ways, rest assured. It does mean that I remember why I took such insane risks.

So I am venting all my anxiety to my wonderful friend Andrea, and Verizon will just have to wait. There is food in the refrigerator and gas in the car, and meetings only cost $1 a pop. And I did get a gig critiquing a friend's short story for $250, but the money and story are en route from Albuquerque.

And good friends bought me a subscription to the New York Times. So at least to the denizens of Loma Linda Ave, I appear to be the devil-may-care Homme du Monde, or however they say that in Thai or Armenian. (I border both Thai Town and Little Armenia).

MCO 2005

February 25, 2005

Well both horoscopes today tell me that I have just finished a time of intense preparation and can indulge in some fun today. I am racking my brains to figure out what I can do that will cost nothing, so it looks like I might be working on some vases or an artpiece. X is plugging away on a new canvas that is really beautiful.

Meanwhile, last night I ran into a really honey in a meeting with whom I had an intense but short affair in the past that was truncated by our mutual drug use. Clearly, a chemistry was still there. Which could mean nothing, or could mean something.

Once in a while, when I stand behind or in front of two friends with whom I am shooting the shit and kidding around, I will thrust between them quoting a line from "Valley of the Dolls": "Out of my way," I declare, "there's a MAN waiting for me." (Susan Hayward).

Wouldn't it be nice if this turned out, for once, to be true?

MCO 2005

Rollercoaster

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February 24, 2005

Up, down, up. Make it stop, Mommy! Daddy, can I ride it again?

I had a bang-up interview with Being Alive. One of those rare occasions in life where you wouldn't change a word of what you said. And sure enough, I got a callback from them today for a second interview, next Wednesday.

Then I submitted the article to my editor, Peter, for Pride Guide. He thought it was "great" and had only miinimal and well-advised changes. Unfortunately, he could only manage a small advance, which is routine for magazine work, which normally pays on publication. So I will have to wait at least a month for the lion's share.

I received an invitation to read some poetry and a blog entry at WORD-A-RAMA, at Highland Grounds Coffee House on March 1 in L.A at 8pm. I emailed some of you about it, but if any locals want particulars, (it's between Santa Monica and Melrose, hint, hint) please let me know. It's not quite the finals of American Idol, but I thought I'd start small.

So the beat goes on. I just have to keep the track well oiled, and hope no one is loosening the screws keeping it in place. Sometimes whipping around those corners though, one can be absolutely sure one is going to go flying out into the amusement park.

MCO 2005

P.S. For the interested, a less alarming perspective on the HIV supervirus thant the one I expressed a few blogs back. http://planetout.com/news/feature.html?sernum=1063

Fault Haul

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February 23, 2004

I had a funny dream last night. Before bed, I was contemplating the 8th step of A.A., which states "we humbly asked him [our higher power] to remove our shortcomings."

In my world view, one's shortcomings need to be let go of, which is a bit different from being removed. Or is it?

Anyway I dreamt of a dump truck with a neon sign over it that read "Fault Haul." This is amusing because the "Faultline" is a popular bar in L.A. and used to be my favorite haunt.

I interpreted it as God (or who/whatever) sending me a dump truck in which I could unload all my faults. No doubt my recent move played a role in the imagery.

So that seems to straddle both letting them go and having them removed, n'est-ce pas?

Interviewing today. Hope I don't cough my way out of a job. But seeing the doc afterwards just to make sure I'm not tubucular. (Just kidding. It's not that bad.)

My basic cable doesn't get "The Dog Whisperer" or "The Daily Show." Poverty is hell.

MCO 2005

P.S. The sun is shining. Finally. But the forecast says more rain due later this week. Oy. Noah, get those giraffes in the ark, pronto!

Resident's Day

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February 22, 2005

Well Comcast came today, so I have Cable and Internet service. I am slowly getting the place together.

I've gone through two drafts of the article for Pride Guide, and have a feeling they'll be a third before it's over. And tomorrow the interview with Being Alive.

I are jonesing for an AA meeting, as last night I was literally rained in. It was positively torrential up here, I almost hydroplaned while negotiating my way back here.

So nothing particularly insightful this entry, or profound, or funny. I spent the afternoon regurgitating my life in prison, and found it very difficult to cull the 1500 right words from so many stories and observations. I am extremely grateful to have written the blog, as I don't know if I could have recaptured it in hindsight, and would have forgotten so much of it.

MCO 2005

We-Haul

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February 21, 2005

Well, I refugeed back to Andrea’s for a final clean-up and to work on my piece for Pride Guide, due Wednesday. It’s been a hectic 24 hours, but the weather Gods were kind. The torrents let up just long enough for us to get a shelving unit, the couch, an table into the new apartment.

Last night I slept on an air mattress. I listened to the rain and tried to stave off all of the anxiety that comes with being in a new place. Boy, do we ever take for granted so many things that must be acquired in a move. Sheets, a comforter a microwave, extension cords, a broom, a toaster, scissors, condiments, etc. etc. Even at thrift shop prices (microwave $15, toaster $3, comforter, $4) it adds up. On top of it I have a bad cold. (Duh. Are there any "good" colds?)

I realize how attached I became to Andrea’s apartment and her giant comfy bed. Of course it’s wonderful to be in my own place, but I am impatient for everything to feel like home. And what a week I have ahead. This article to write, my first article in Being Alive coming out tomorrow (I think), and an interview with Being Alive on Wednesday. All while settling in. Since it's a bit tight space-wise for one person, much less two, I tell myself we have a luxury hotel suite, with kitchenette. This same place would cost us $169 a night in Palm Springs.

This morning I had a massive anxiety attack over all I had "to do" and just wanted to be home at my Mom’s drinking some good French soup and watching soaps all day. I keep having to remember how much I fantasized about having the days that I am having right now. I am also coming to grips with the degree to which I may have battled bipolar disorder all my life. That to a great degree the drinking and drugging may have been self-medicating as much as anything. I do know that the neurontin helps enormously. It does not seem to act as a mood alterer, per se, it just seem to leaven the anxiety. When that hits, I don’t feel sober, but I do after the pills "kick in." Like someone turned the volume down on an inner stereo that is set a bit too loud.

Anyway, the cable people are coming tomorrow morning, so hopefully my next entry will be from chez moi. Thanks to Mark and Mike and Bill, who helped with the moving yesterday.

And next Sunday I will be the official greeter at my Sunday meeting. I thought it was time to take a commitment now that I’m on this side of the hill and don’t have to fetch my friend in the valley anymore. Hallelujah.

MCO 2005

Bee-atch? No way.

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February 20, 2005

Oy. Today is going to be a bitch. (Or bee-atch, as they say in the joint.)

Which I reminded myself of, taking a quick morning constitutional in the sodden streets upon awaking at the obscenely early hour (for me) of 7 am. In the joint, I would have been returning from breakfast at this ungodly hour. Which is hardly ungodly at all, considering the sun remembered to get up (if doing a weak job at shining) and I get to move into a new apartment, and clean up this one which was so unselfishly loaned to me for a period of time above and beyond the call of duty or friendship by any measure.

No one likes to heave and ho large objects in the rain. But what an incredibly lucky man I am to be blessed with the opportunity of doing so.

I may be offline for a few days. Will come up for air as soon as I am back on in cyberspace.

MCO 2005

Cats and Dogs

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February 19, 2005

Well, I woke up this morning to discover what I suspected, given the volcanic thunder that ripped through the night, waking me at least once with vision of a jet having crashed nearby. (Thunder and lightning are rare accompaniments to rainstorms in L.A..) It had indeed rained through the night, and is still,at times, coming down torrentially.

So I changed my cargo van reservation for tomorrow, unwilling to navigate through the downpour today, not to mention subject myself, several friends to periodic drenchings.

At least, yesterday, we moved in the first of my belongings.I discovered there were sliding doors between the kitchen and the main room, and the main room and the enclave where the computer will be, next to the bathroom. If I ever need a roommate, there will be some privacy.

I did invest in a blow-up AeroBed, and we gathered some bedding material from here and there. Tomorrow, if we are not swept away in the great Los Angeles Flood of 2005, we’ll move the couch in, and Comcast should be coming Tuesday to hook up cable and internet.

God, moving sucks. The only thing worse is not moving.

I better get to my new pad with hangers, paper towel and a bucket to flush the commode. Yes, we already have a call into the management. I hope this isn’t indicative of things to come.

MCO 2005

On to Hollywood

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February 18, 2005

Today is moving day! But it is going differently than planned. I won’t bore you with the particulars, but basically I just couldn’t afford the rental to go up to my brother's and back, plus a day to help move here, and still have enough left to make it till the next influx of funds. This turned out to be fortuitous, as it is pouring rain and negotiating a huge van alone up California and back during the rain would be truly asking for trouble. With a dog to boot, who will be very happy to have his Dad back but no doubt nervous about a huge change in his life again.

And, yesterday I had to rush X to the dentist for a tooth abscess. A tooth must be extracted on Thursday, and this a raised a entire set of financial challenges at the worst time.

What can you do but handle these things Family is family, and X is part of my family, by dint of the bonds of evidently indissoluble friendship.

Augmentin willing, his infection will subside as well as the pain (a little Vicodin in the rain never killed anyone). We have quite a day ahead, getting things we do have into the apartment. Anybody with a truck out there who can help out with moving a single bed and a couch today or tomorrow, do let me know. (323.627.2585).

It’s all good. Home sweet home harkens. (If anyone wants my new address, please write me for it. I'd rather not post it).

MCO 2005

Choosing Opportunity

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February 17, 2005

So yesterday I show up for my Being Alive interview at the appointed time, and find out that through a miscommunication between staff members there, I had not actually been scheduled at 2 p.m. It was not a problem, I am going back next Wednesday and will be one of the last interviews instead of the first. Most probably a better position to be in, fresh in their minds as the consider their selection.

Lo and behold, I return to my car, and find that I had locked my keys in, something I haven’t done in 30 years. So I call my sister in New Mexico, and she calls AAA. I’m abbreviating the story somewhat because the details aren’t important, but I found myself waiting on the corner for a white Toyota pick-up from the locksmith.

I’m thinking there has to be some sort of reason for this, if I just keep my eyes open and see it. Wouldn’t it have been a hoot if I met the man of my dreams this way. I thought, a great story to tell the grandnewphews. No such luck.

However, a car did pull up, and I was hailed by someone I didn’t immediately recognize. He was an intermittent customer from days of yore, one of those reasonable ones who I only saw once every couple of months and stayed "recreational." (He and his lover, instead of fueling each others’ use, were rather good influences on each other, I think).

He almost immediately exclaimed:"I love your blog! It’s so funny, it’s awesome! You’re so talented!" I had no idea he was reading it, turns out he was on the email list my sister retrieved from my computer. I thanked him and sent his regards to his boyfriend, hoping that they were both "behaving."

When the locksmith arrived, he offered to make me a new key, explaining that the one I was using stuck in the trunk so often because it wasn’t the original, and could eventually break in the ignition, costing me a fortune to fix. The copy he made, by hand, (literally he whittled it anew) worked perfectly in the trunk. No different from the original, he explained.

So I decided to look at the entire $65 expenditure not as a loss, but as a considerable savings over a mishap that may have occurred when I didn’t have the time or the money to handle it. (Yes, I’m straining a bit here. But don’t mess with me. Sometimes denial is a good thing.)

I then realized that the delay made it past the late opening time of the gallery where X hopes to hang his work (they open only at 3). So I went in, and find out the procedure for new artists to get their work looked at.

I didn’t retrieve X from the Valley until 7. The poor guy has had to endure a perpetually drunk houseguest visiting one of his hosts for two days. The equanimity with which X handled it is remarkable. He took the opportunity to remind himself by watching this gentleman how miserable it can be "out there," He’s also used the time sans computer to work on a canvas about Lucille Ball for the owner of the house, who is her #1 fan, bar none. (The house is filled to the brim with Lucy memorabilia, he is actually opening a museum in her honor.).

The speaker at the N.A. meeting tonight was an original: a Japanese-American raised in South-Central who presented very much like a "homeboy." After years back and forth to prison, he has finally embraced recovery, and is now married with four kids, and is blessed with loads of charisma and street-wise wisdom..

I was reading a very astute article in the present Being Alive newsletter that ended with the observation that the Chinese pictogram for "crisis" is two symbols represented "danger" and "opportunity." I thought it a fitting metaphor for the day.

MCO 2005

P.S. Oh, I was formally invited to perform—with many others—at WORD-A-RAMA at the Highland Grounds Coffee House on March 1. I will read some poetry.

Flying Over Walls

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February 16, 2005

This morning I was doing my walk/morning meditation, and zipping rather unconcientiously through Steps 1-3, concentrated on what ideas I might actually pitch at this afternoon’s interview with Being Alive. One of them was concerning how to combat homophobia in communities of color, as the taboo that surrounds HIV is often directly related to the secrecy that stalks homosexuality in those populations. Many woman of color, for example, are infected by boyfriends and husbands who conduct male-to-male relationships on the sly, and unsurprisingly, HIV is often the product of the accompanying coversion and denial.

There is the playground of a boy’s high school directly across from Andrea’s apartment, bordered by a high concrete wall. Suddenly a mid-sized white ball, (lacrosse?) comes flying over the barrier, landing almost at my feet. I hear a collective groan rise up for the players, as the wall is too tall to climb, and retrieving the ball would entail a long trip around the block. So, of course I toss it back over the wall, to a cacophony of "Thank-yous!" I can’t say whether the voices were black or hispanic, to be honest I suspect they were coming from a students of a yeshiva, but considering how closety they are, I take it as a sign nonetheless that I was on the right track. Especially as the ball grazed my God-tree, that I talk to those mornings the sun is not out.

Not to say your garden-variety gay white man isn’t’t needful of some revived discussion on this issue as well. Last night we heard a speaker in AA who discussed growing up "in a cornfield" in Ohio, and finding himself in a state of so much anxiety and despair by the time he discovered alcohol at 14 that he drank himself into a detox center by 18. His drinking and drugging, unfortunately, continued in horror story fashion until he was past 30. In the question-and answer period after his share, I asked if he could shed light on why he thought he was in such despair at the tender age of 14 (he hadn’t discussed his childhood/family circumstances at all), and whether he thought internalized homophobia played a role. He thought for a moment, and said "no, I don’t think so."

The problem, in my view, is almost less the internalized homophobia gay men suffer from, than the lack of awareness that we suffer from it. You can’t get the elephant out of the room until you see it. But it is there.

Wish me luck this afternoon. Do not say "Break a leg" That’s for the theater. (In France, before a big test, they tell you "Merde!" (Shit!).

So, "Merde" to me!

MCO 2005

The Ideas of February

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February 15, 2005

Being Alive called, and I have my long-awaited interview tomorrow. And my former editor from Genre hired me to write a 1500-word piece (at $1 a word!) for the nationwide Pride magazine he edits. It is going to be a broad piece on being gay in prison. As soon as I settle in the new place, I will churn it out in short order.

On Friday I should be driving up to my brother’s to pack up my stuff and Gaza, driving back on Saturday. Given the obvious craziness of the next few days, my blogging may be a bit spotty.

I wish I could say I’m enjoying this part of the ride, but all this unsettledness has got my stomach churning. I will avow that I recognize that all these are "quality problems" that I would have killed to have in prison.

Errr—that is perhaps a poor use of words. I certainly wouldn’t exchange the lack of choice I had in there with the dizzying range of options I must wade through here, let’s put it that way.

So don’t cry for me North New Jersey (as the parody goes.) (Or Saudi Arabia, or Morocco or the Seychelles. I’m floored by the range of my international audience, if only individuals, in these far-flung countries. Thank you for reading!)

MCO 2005

Living Room, Loving Room

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February 14, 2005

Ooh boy, high stress day. JAndrea got a call from her landlady, and has called her back, but they are playing phone tag. It is possible that the landlady is suspicious that I’m subletting, which I’m not, technically, but landlords are often understandably worried that tenants in rent-stabilized apartments are making fortunes behind their backs.

So I called to see how soon my apartment will be ready, and at, best, it will be so at the end of the week. However they will let me stay in one of their vacant apartments nearby for those few days. As this will mean sleeping on the floor and living out of a suitcase, I may just rent a hotel room, instead. But this means would mean burning through some dough meant to stretch.

This is one of those opportunities to surrender to the realities of the universe and allow solutions to present themselves. That positive thinking belies considerable anziety, but it also combats it.

On an up note, I did get a call from the gentlemen to whom I gave my phone number at the Valentine’s Day Dance. We both have bears of a week to contend with, so who knows when or if we can get to know each other. This is just fine, after all, I respect the Program’s suggestion, borne of millions of hours of sober experience, that it is best to stay out of romantic entaglements in the first year of sobriety. The nice thing is that he acknowledged that my willingness to say hi was brave and refreshing, and he appreciated it. He also has a sobriety well into the double digits, and if I were him, I certainly would be very cautious—to put it mildly—about developing anything but a friendship with a relative babe in the woods who is, to boot, hardly settled in anything resembling a life logistically suited to dating.

All will come when it is supposed to come. Upwards and onwards, and Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

MCO 2005

Landmarks

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February 13, 2005

Yesterday I was Andrea’s guest to an introductory seminar to "The Landmark Forum" which is a 4-day "training" to facilitate life transformation that is what EST grew out of. I myself took EST in 1978, and thought it was absolutely wonderful. It had a major impact on me that might have been life-changing if I wasn’t already under the sway of my alcoholism. At the time I was working my way (partially) through college as a waiter at a popular gay bar, and nothing could have been more enticing than being "free, white and 21" in New York City before AIDS. You do the math. EST didn’t really have a chance against booze and drugs and raging testosterone. (I exaggerate for dramatic effect. EST profoundly altered my understanding of the world and had many longlasting effects on my thinking. But it was not designed to treat addiction, and it didn’t).

The Forum recognizes EST graduates as "reviewers," and I was able to register for a March 4-8 course for half-price, the bulk of it gifted by Hunter and Andrea, the latter of whom introduced me to the group as presently engaged in "transformation with a vengeance." Not to be one-upped, I termed her, with utter conviction, as a "ball of light and unconditional love." This was only the start of an amazing three hours which I can’t quite convey for fear of just sounding too touchy-feely new-agey and somehow diminishing it. Suffice to say, as in AA, there was a lot of laughter, authenticity and inspiration. I am looking forward to March 4, and my sister Sandra will fly out for my "graduation." (She did the Forum when I was in prison, and our communication broke through to new heights after she did). Although anyone reading this may think my plate if pretty full with AA, I am of the mind that one can always get a bigger plate.

Many other neat things happened yesterday, like opportune emails and phone calls and a wonderful meeting. X and I topped it off by attending a sober Valentine’s day dance, which was quite a benchmark, as neither of us had danced sober in 20 years or so, if ever. We had a blast, and burned up the dance floor, swapping endless stories about how often dancing "out there" was so often marred by one of your friends (or you) ruining the evening by going into a K-hole, getting too drunk, losing the hotel room key, or wanting to leave early because of an argument with a boyfriend etc. etc. And instead of an elite group of overbuilt, white gay men on every manner of substance, you had an ethnically mixed group of men and women of all ages who weren’t judging each other or morbidly self-conscious. Just a bunch of ex-drunks and addicts communing with each other and the music and having a good time.

I even spied one in particular and asked him if he had a Valentine lined up. He said no, with a surprised smile, and I gave him my card. Whether or not he calls is far less important than the rush I got from making the gesture without needing to be fortified by an intoxicant.

As far as I’m concerned, this year, the world is my Valentine.

MCO 2005

Lifeboat

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February 11, 2005

I didn’t have time to blog this morning, more accurately, I didn’t think anything I had to say was worth making time to say. I have to wonder if I was sensing that I was to hear some news that would be worth writing about.

Boy, did I ever.

It was announced today (at least on NPR) that a gay man in New York, in his 40s, has been identified as having contracted a new, virulent strain of the HIV virus that is resistant to three of the four categories of medication used in combination to treat the virus. In addition, this strain develops from infection to full-blown AIDS in a matter of months.

This, I fear, is the other shoe that has been waiting to drop for years. I have always felt that it was just too good to be true that the present treatment regimens could continue to constitute a de facto cure without the virus finding ways to outwit the medications. I am certain that we are on cusp of a horrific new wave of illness and death, as it cannot be that this man’s is an isolated case.

Interestingly, the reports cited that the infected man identified himself as a crystal meth user, and that authorities are recognizing that both epidemics are acting synergistically, fomenting a new crisis that may be upon us. When crystal comes in the door, safe sex often flies out the window. It is simply the nature of the drug. The possibility of working in Being Alive in this area has suddenly taken on a new urgency.

A generation of gay male crystal users has grown up without having lost legions of friends, seeing around them instead those with HIV surviving and even thriving. These users are much more likely to already be HIV-positive than their non-using peers, and much more likely to continue having unsafe sex under the illusion that re-infection does not constitute a particular danger. If they do not confront their drug use and their profligate unsafe sex, they may be in for the rudest of awakenings. Likewise the HIV-negative men who find themselves venturing into sexual danger zones under the influence of the drug.

I had an eerie sense of déjà vu hearing this report.. I remembered back in 1981, when "GRID" (Gay-Related Immune Deficiency) was first reported. I couldn’t quite conceive of the horror that was to follow, of course, any more than someone witnessing Kristallnacht could have conceived of the Holocaust. But I knew in my gut that these cases were not a blip on the radar, that something big and dreadful was afoot. I remember as well my first candlelit march, in 1982 or so, and my sweet friend Paul turning to me and saying, "We’re all going to die." I didn’t, but Paul did, 10 years later.

Ironically, if this new strain has been spreading (and I have to believe it has) I may personally have been spared being exposed to it by being incarcerated. It’s impossible to know, but it certainly puts a new spin on my prison experience. And from my particular journey--as dealer, inmate, recovering addict and blogger—I have constructed a lifeboat, for myself, but maybe for others as well. My experience has given my words credibility they wouldn’t otherwise have had. (Someone found this blog by putting into the search engine "Meth Addict Wants to Commit Suicide." I can only hope that he read something that brought him back from the brink. This lifeboat is big enough for any who want to climb in.)

It’s raining in L.A. again. Appropriate enough, considering hearing this report today felt like the earthquake preceding a tsunami.

MCO 2005

Upstaged by the Pope

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February 10, 2005

10 minutes into The View, the Pope had the nerve to get out of the hospital, and ABC somehow felt this merited a Special Report. I have my chance at stardom, and they can’t wait for a regular news update to air the earth-shattering news that the Pope is not only not dead, but all better. Luckily it didn’t last too long, and when regular programming returned, there were at least three clear shots of yours truly and company in the studio audience. I forgive the masses for being perhaps somewhat more interested in the likes of Annette Bening then in the denizens of row 5, center. But I figure I still have 14 minutes and 50 seconds of fame coming to me.

Last night we went to an N/A meeting. Although I dealt drugs myself and went to prison, I often find some of their war stories so hair-raising that I find it more difficult to identify. Many of the sharers have had nightmare childhoods (mine was rather the opposite), and violent histories that, while making their recoveries all the more remarkable, are foreign to me. (My brothers and I are the only three boys I have ever heard of who never, ever, beat up on each other growing up. This habit persisted into my adulthood. I have had to defend myself three times in 46 years, and never, ever was the aggressor..)

I did receive a call from the head of the focus group at Being Alive in response to an email I sent following up my attendance there. We talked at length about some ideas I had for the crystal marketing campaign. I was also asked if I spoke Spanish (I do—at least enough to field basic phone inquiries) and found out at present they have no one there who does. So I am feeling very hopeful about this job, bearing in mind that if somehow it does not come through, then there is something else I’m supposed to do instead.

And I am religiously watching a wonderful show on the National Geographic Channel, "The Dog Whisperer" in which a gifted dog psychologist/trainer works wonders with problem canines. My Gaza is, blessedly, a very good dog, but has a few minor issues about which I have gained major insight. I can’t wait to be the leader of his pack again, which should happen on the 19th, when I go up to my brother’s to get my stuff and retrieve my precious boy.

MCO 2005

Safe

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February 9, 2005

Almost 30 years ago, in France, I had a class on Baudelaire with a Professor who explained his poetry in no less extraordinary a manner than if she had turned on a light bulb in a dark room. What started as an elegant and beautiful poem on the surface was deconstructed as a journey into the recesses of the mind and spirit, an illumination of words as having the qualities of mineral and color. I cannot possibly do justice to her "explication" but it was a transforming experience.

Last night I tried going to a new meeting and through a comedy of errors, was an hour early. So I decided to go to my usual Tuesday night meeting (a half an hour earlier) instead, and found myself listening to an Irishwoman named Lila, sober for 35 years.

She was absolutely mesmerizing, deconstructing the Program, and how it worked, and how to stay sober like my Professeur of yesteryear explained poetry. She also had a certain no-nonsense style, and in the question and answer period people either didn’t know what to ask or couldn’t think of anything she hadn’t answered.

I put up my hand. I told her I couldn’t understand how people seemed to do their steps separately, as in "I’m working on a fourth step." That I found an opportunity to practice almost each step, every day. I wanted to know if I was kidding myself, avoiding doing them the "right" way by telling myself I could do them "my" way.

She responded that I was a very lucky man. That it usually took years for sober people to do this, to wear the steps like "a loose garment." That indeed one could practice the steps integrally, on a daily basis. And then she explained them in a way they had never been explained.

One step was about faith, the other hope, the other courage, and then honesty and integrity, down on to gratitude. I daren’t diminish her wondrous deconstruction by trying to replicate it, but it held us all in absolute thrall. I pray that anyone still "out there" who finds him or herself intellectually alienated by the "steps" or "the God thing" is gifted with hearing Lila in one of his early meetings. By the time I finished hearing her, for the first time ever, the idea of staying sober the rest of my life did not feel like some sort of failure or deprivation, but as a path to a deeper joy than I can even now conceive of. Thank you, Lila.

So I want to find out what she does for a living. If she is not an inspirational speaker, or a Professor of English Literature, than I’ll be damned.

Except I don’t feel damned. I would say I feel "saved," but I recoil from the evangelical connotations. If anything I feel "safe."

Lila mentioned her dead sister as a guardian angel of sorts. Today is the 14th anniversary of the death of my brother Luke. I certainly identify.

MCO 2005

Isolation Not

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February 7, 2005

Here is the last installment, for now, of Rhett and Belle. The rest is on a zip disk that I need a zip drive to retrieve, but I just wanted to share a taste of a work in progress.

Ambrose’s cotton-exporting business was indeed well run and coveted by more than one business rival.. After spending a few weeks in the office, becoming intimate with accounts and the working of the business side of things, Rhett rolled up his sleeves and looked at operations on the dock itself. He became familiar with the boats that were contracted to transport the cotton, finding out which were well-maintained and likely to keep making the crossing unscathed. He became acquainted with the captains, and noted those who skimped on proper rations for their sailors to reduce expenses—they were the one most likely to cheat him as well, and soon lost his business. And he found the most trustworthy and competent foreman on the docks—a Mr.Eli Sullivan—and paid him good money to ensure his loyalty and devotion. Then he ventured down the coast on a clipper to Savannah, and found out he had born sea legs.

As Rhett approached his 21st birthday, he convinced his mother that a trip to Europe was essential to investigate the feasibility of making the business one of importing as well as exporting. At present, the ships filled up in Liverpool with myriad goods that were dropped off in various eastern seaboard ports before refilling with cotton in Charleston and Savannah. Each ship dealt independently with Europe and the States. It seemed to Rhett it would be more profitable for the same ships to travel directly from Charleston to Liverpool and back, bearing cotton on the way out and manufactured goods on the way back---goods that Rhett could chose personally and arrange himself to distribute stateside.. For example, weren’t ladies’ dresses from Paris in huge demand all over the South, all over the country in fact?

Charlotte Butler had a vague sense of Ambrose’s forebodings about their son, though he had largely kept them to himself, and she ascribed them mostly to his own bad experiences with his father. Rhett had been the soul of responsibility since his return, and the business was thriving. If his motivations in traveling were not solely mercenary, it was hardly odd that a young man desired some adventure and freedom from his family. And if indeed he was prone to indulging in vices, better he taste the forbidden fruits in Europe than in the glare of Charleston society. So although her acquiescence was more formality than needed consent, she did not withhold it. But she already missed her only son before he left, because she knew he was following his heart, not leaving it behind.

But she consoled herself, when mourning was over, if he was still in Europe, perhaps she would bring his sisters to see him. She thought there was still a Legrand second cousin or two on the continent.

MCO 2005

Dreaming Late

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February 6, 2005

I would start with Good Morning, but it’s just now after noon and I’ve only been up a half an hour. This is a little ridiculous, because I go to sleep at exactly 1:00 am every night. But really, it’s not that I sleep late. I dream late. The dreams start in earnest (at least the ones I remember) in the pre-dawn hours, but these are invariably colored by my need to take a pee. There is always something I have to do in these dreams and I can’t quite manage to get it done. When I finally drive myself out of bed around 7:30, I relieve myself and take 2 Neurontin to allay my infamous morning bi-polar anxiety and go back to bed.

Then the dreams take on a different quality. I am often semi-conscious that I am dreaming, and often actually influence their course.

As a result they are that much more memorable, veritable mini-series. Though they are not necessarily less alarming. For example, this morning (I kid you not) I woke up with an ache in my hands and my feet. Jesus! (Oops, I gave it away. Yes, phantom stigmata pain!)

I have always dreamt very vividly, and am very attached to the process. But truly, it makes it very hard to get out of bed when I don’t specifically have a morning task to require my getting up. I figure a job will necessitate my earlier awakening soon enough. I am going to enjoy this luxury as long as I can. My body seems to be exacting a reverse penance of sorts for having had to wake up at 6 am every day for the better part of a year, I guess. Vengeance is mine. Take that, the California Penal System. (Especially as they wake you up that early so you can proceed to eat breakfast and at 8 am face a day often with absolutely zero to do.)

Yesterday I hit two meetings and heard three speakers who attested across the board to the stunning transformational power of AA. One almost had to strain to believe that these poised, funny people had once been human wrecks, surrounded by empty bottles and giant holes in their souls. But the truth of their testimony was unassailable. People simply don’t describe themselves in such a way unless they are being utterly honest. They have been graced with humility, and reconstructed themselves whole. More than anything, it is this quality of redemption that continues to inspire me on a daily basis. (I also met an ex-drug dealer acquaintance of mine during the break. I had been remembered him as arrogant, defensive and full of himself. The qualities were so markedly absent from him now, that I literally did not recognize him until he shared that he knew me. What a pleasant surprise.)

So, on to the dreamless day.And tonight, a meeting.

I feel delightfully purposeful. Who knows what else the Goddesses have in store for me today?

Oops, I almost forgot the next installment of Rhett and Belle. Is anyone reading it? Do tell, if so.

In the autumn of 1848, Ambrose Butler, while riding his carriage from the docks to the family home, had a massive stroke. As the sole male heir, Rhett could hardly be blamed for returning home from West Point to attend to family affairs, to the consternation of brass who had their eye on a rising star. Rhett was a natural leader and he knew it, but he had no desire or intention to lead anyone but himself. His classmates were distressed to see him go, ostensibly as they hoped he would win for them the class marksmanship trophy that year, and Rhett has the steadiest shot in his class. In truth, they wanted him to stay because they resented anyone who could control his destiny as they could not, and they further sensed he would not miss them a whit, and did not want it confirmed. It was their injured pride that gave rise to the subsequent fiction that Rhett Butler had been kicked out of West Point, a rumor that would later only fortify his contempt for a military culture that harbored as many cackling hens as a tribe of aristocratic coastal biddies.

In respect to her husband’s memory, Rhett’s mother feigned disapproval at her son’s decision to leave West Point, although she was in truth delighted. Rhett’s younger 15-year old sisters, the twins Tessa and Lenora, adored Rhett, and made no attempt to constrain their glee. In addition, since mourning would delay their entry into society by a year, they were happy at the prospect of a masculine presence in the house, particularly one so less somber than Father. Perhaps Rhett would even bring some potential beaus in the house, to see him of course, but unavoidably paying their respects to the young ladies. This was a daring thought, for they were well aware that appearances were to be maintained above all, and courtship of any kind during mourning was cause for scandal..

More apprehensive about the future were the slaves, a few houseservants only as was common for rich urban southerners. There was the butler and Ambrose’s manservant, Jim, and Clarisse, his wife, previously Rhett and the girls’ Mammy, but now the cook. They had a daughter Livy, personal maid to Charlotte and the girls, and helper to her mother. Jim was arthritic, and his household chores were becoming increasingly difficult .He didn’t know how he’d keep up with a 20-year old.

"But what about when you go back up north, Mr. Rhett?" queried Jim, afraid Rhett would take him along. "Jim, whether to West Point—or points unknown—do you think I’d leave my dear mother and sisters here without a man to keep watch over them?" Rhett answered with a wink. Jim puffed up momentarily at the compliment, which was indeed proffered sincerely. But the words "or points unknown" did not go unnoticed. In a life of enforced servitude, one of the few sources of workplace satisfaction came from knowing your master’s secrets before his own family knew them

(When Rhett turned 21 and took legal control over his father’s estate, he gave Jim his freedom. Truth be told, it was less out of compassion or conviction, than because Rhett enjoyed the heady exercise of his newfound power. He promptly realized that Jim had no where to go and no way to support himself, and so they carried on largely as before. But Jim did ask for the freedom of Clarrisse and Livy, and Rhett granted it discreetly, making sure they both had a dollar each in pay a week. Like most Southern men, Rhett had never questioned the instituion he’d grown up with. But the defacto bondage of the upperclassmen over the lower classmen at West Point had repelled him. He wanted no part of it, particularly as he saw the foundation of the South’s wealth—slavery--equally as its downfall.)

MCO 2005

Left Behind

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February 5, 2005

This morning I perused an article in the L.A. Weekly about the Aryan Brotherhood, a notorious prison gang with enormous power that radiates through the entire prison system. My widening eyes read that they had been born in Chino, (where I was incarcerated,) back in the 80s, and still exerted enormous power there. I remembered when I was locked up for one hellish week in a cell in Sycamore Hall with "Drifter," a wannabe member of the Brotherhood. He told me that the reason they asked for your CDC number the moment you were brought in was that your supposedly confidential docket was immediately looked up by inside spies to determine if you were either a "chester" (child molester) or a "rapo" (rapist), and more importantly, if you had an outstanding beef with the Brotherhood. Blessedly, I met none of these criteria. But Drifter made clear that if he was "tapped"--required to carry out an assault against another inmate or participate in a gang riot, he felt he would have no choice but to comply. Refusal marked you for retribution. I found much of this fantastic at the time; the article makes clear that it is all true.

When I transferred from Sycamore into Protective Custody at Birch Hall, I now understand why the inmates there were on constant alert, to put it midly. Some of them wouldn’t even go out to yard, so sure that if they were marked, the Brotherhood would find a way to "hit" them. Some of them were scared to death for the safety of their loved ones on the outside, and when they got out, would be looking over their shoulders for a lifetime.

Ironically, what saved my ass was precisely what we all feared could put me in danger. Because I was gay, and open about it, I was of in interest to these "pure men." At the same time, my being white trumped my being gay, so it allowed for a modicum of protection. But even more ironically, the only protection I needed was from other whites, not from the black or latins. The blacks have their gangs, but the requirement for membership is not a function of killing a white—any white. Whereas killing a black inmate—any black inmate--will automatically earn you your "stripes" (literally, tattoed "SS": insignia) with the Aryan Brotherhood.

The leadership, (who are now being indicted en masse under the RICO laws—hence the article) are ruly irretrievably evil men. But there are individuals among the " foot soldiers" that I got to know at Delano. Men with swastikas tattoed on their necks. Funny, friendly guys, who even kidded around with blacks, and acknowledged my gayness with a wink. We parted with almost affectionate words. "You’re a good guy Marc, I don’t care what you do in bed."

They had succumbed to the desire of young men to have status in the eyes of their peers by being accorded approval by their nominal superiors. (Not so nominal in this case, their "superiors" could have them killed.") However, by and large, one is not forced to join the brotherhood. The pressure can be intense to "stand with the whites" in the event of a race riot, but they don’t usually seek out someone who clearly does not want to participate to operate as an enforcer, for example. That doesn’t mean an "innocent bystander" like my buddy T, for example, couldn’t be caught in their machinations.

He discovered his cellie was hiding three knives in their bunk. If the bunk was searched, he could easily have received three months added to his sentence, even if the knives were not his. So he dropped a kite to a guard and was put into Protective Custody, where I met him. He was the one too afraid to even go to Yard.

I also discovered that the C.O. stabbed to death on January 10 at Chino was the first killing of a guard in the California Prison System since 1996. My poor ex-buddies, living in lockdown for the insanity of others. And lucky me, oh so lucky me. I feel like an undercover reporter who went on the assignment of his life in there, and got out just before the going got real tough.

In other news, I picked up a vase at a yard sale next door for $1. I’m going to decoupage the life out of that thing.

And here is the next installment of Rhett and Belle.

So when his father set forth his plan for a military future for his son, Rhett saw temporary acquiescence to it as the only likely way in which not to jeopardize his inheritance—and with it a standing in society and wielding of financial power that would facilitate the pursuit of his passion for women with much greater ease than if he was consumed by the mundane tasks of keeping body and soul together. He even took the opportunity to apply himself to his studies—an apt choice given there was little else to do at the military school besides drilling and the plotting of elaborate practical jokes.

He found he excelled in the subject of literature, for even in the driest tomes one could find contemplations on women and the consequences of their existence. Although many of these ruminations occurred in historical volumes, (allowing the tutors to distance the boys from any potentially suspect passages from which they might draw unclean conclusions), Rhett saw no reason to that believe human nature had changed fundamentally in thousands of years. The truths imparted in the great works could certainly be applied to the present. Not only the lessons of love, but also the lessons of history.

Rhett’s spoiled fellow Carolinians thought themselves, as "southern gentlemen," to be somehow unique creatures in history. Despite his similar background, Rhett possessed no such hubris—his truly keen intelligence saw through such blatant subjectivity. In fact, he found it quite ironic that those thinking they had nothing to learn from the past were the same ones most steeped in glorifying a Southern "civilization" that was galloping backwards through history, as evidenced by the elaborate cultural anachronisms, the feudal agricultural economy, and an outmoded concept of prosperity that was measured only by the wealth of a few.

The North, on the other hand, was charging into the future. (Fortuitously the Academy subscribed to several northern newspapers—although it seemed only Rhett and the odd professor looked at them). Industrialization was the basis of a new kind of prosperity, one that took into account the fortunes of all, not just of the landholding few. Unlike in the South, workers were paid, but immigration provided a large and cheap labor pool, and consequently masses of wage earners with money to spend. They fueled demand for the very products they made and required services that expanded the middle class. As they didn’t need to be fed, clothed and given rudimentary medical care by their employers, their labor was actually cheaper than that of the slaves And they were strivers, whose effort and ingenuity could provide rewards that no slave had cause to aim for. The northern economy had elasticity, the southern economy stagnated. One half of the country was running with the pack of Europe in the modern world, the other half was drifting lazily along the river of obsolescence.

All this Rhett could see. He had no outlet to articulate his understanding--the academy hardly being a bastion of freethinkers—but voiced or not, his intuitive grasp of the big picture was invariably sound and prescient. It would serve him well. It would have served the South well if she were able to listen.

Rhett also applied himself to learning the French language, as he not only found he could use it as a pretext to gain him access to a far less strait-laced literature, but thought it wise to develop a tool that would gain him access as well to women never even encountered by most young dandies on the "Grand Tours" of Europe that were becoming the fashion of the day for the new American rich. They usually traveled Europe with other Americans, or at least the southerners did—with other southerners. His father following slavishly the cultural cues indicating social status, Rhett was sure he too would be sent on a Grand Tour, but he had no intention of hewing the a path no more adventurous than that from Savannah to Atlanta. He would meet some real Europeans, and most decidedly, some real "Belles"—the French kind.

. Rhett did not actually take his father’s proposal of West Point seriously, not realizing his acceptance, having less to do with grades and more to do with his father’s close business ties to a South Carolina legislator, was guaranteed.

Making it through an entire four years at West Point, a boring institution that was training him for a career that held no interest for him, was not a prospect Rhett relished. His first plebe year, though unpleasant, had been somewhat cushioned. Although he was destined to reserve feelings of true friendship and loyalty to women only, a coterie of classmates wanted terribly to be his friend, and he was effortlessly popular.

During his second year, he even used his status to intervene on behalf of a few unfortunate classmates, including the new class of plebes, who were picked on from the beginning, risking retribution---physical and otherwise---from the upperclassmen for his impertinence. But those punishments rarely went beyond some extra push-ups and drills, which Rhett performed with an enthusiastic smile to frustrate and confound his punishers. He found when he deprived the cruel of the pleasures of cruelty, they became disoriented. When he refused to show fear, they became unsettled. No doubt the most intimidated among them might well have eventually made it his goal to "break" Cadet Butler, especially since Rhett was increasingly hard put to continue suppressing the witty barbs that perched on his tongue so readily during moments when others exhibited an annoying sense of self-importance. But by the end of the year, he developed an athletic silhouette and bearing of an adult that garnered him the psychological-if not chronological-status of an upperclassman.

Rhett dreaded the official change in status, as he would be expected in his third year to abuse the lower classmen as he had been abused. The whole system was the height of idiocy, as far as he was concerned. But just as his junior year was about to commence, Fate intervened, as it tends to.

MCO 2005

One Year Down

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February 4, 2005

I can’t help but mention that a year ago today I was arrested, beginning the tortuous journey that has brought me here. I will forgo a gelatinous commemoration, ("The State of the Union is good…"), merely noting I see it now as taking the first step ("We admitted we were powerless over [INSERT SUBSTANCE}—that are lives had become unmanageable")—the hard way. You can’t get any more unmanageable when men in uniform are managing you down to your toenails.

I had a fruitful meeting with my parole officer yesterday, and a serendipitous encounter in the waiting room with a real cutie who I’ve had my eye on in the program for a while now. He has the same P.O. as I do, I just wish her name was Q. Pid, so I could point to her as proof if I can the nerve up to ask him to be my first valentine since 4th grade. Well, I have ten days…

And here, the next installment of Rhett and Belle. We start the story in earnest:

PART I - RHETT

CHAPTER 1 – Before Europe

Rhett Butler was not close to his father, Ambrose Fontveille Butler, just as Ambrose had not been close to his father, "Johnnie" Simms Butler—one of South Carolina’s first and most colorful cotton exporters, who had three times made and twice lost a fortune--luckily having a heart attack at a poker game before he bet the third. Ambrose had rebelled against his father’s licentiousness and contempt for social proprieties, a worldview generally held by the Butler men—at least according to family lore. He was determined to break the mold, starting with making sure that his precariously preserved inheritance would allow him and his new family to take their rightful place at the helm of burgeoning Charlestonian Society. If he craved anything but risk-free prosperity and moral respectability, he had apparently quashed those yearnings upon marriage to Rhett’s mother, Charlotte Legrand Halifax—who like many of Charleston’s coastal aristocracy, was only a generation or so removed from reinvention herself.

But Ambrose could see at an early age that his son Rhett’s personality leaned powerfully in the direction of the more historically typical Butler man. Though he was a quick study, good hunter, and a natural athlete, he seemed bored by all of these wholesome pursuits. At 14, he was expelled from a prestigious boarding academy because of the discovery of his sponsorship of a weekly poker game, wherein the progeny of some of Charleston’s finest families shared a bottle of rum and lost their weekly allowance to the game’s affable arranger-Rhett. At 15, Rhett masqueraded as the 18-year old brother of a friend to gain entry to a ball thrown by a major planter outside Greenville, and waltzed with several of the county’s finest belles before a classmate of the real brother unmasked him. These two escapades alone (how many others had perhaps gone undetected?) were evidence enough to Ambrose that Rhett was indeed prone to the same vices as his grandfather Johnnie; reckless gambling and inveterate womanizing (that broke a wife’s heart—as well as left Ambrose with several half-siblings of questionable coloring.)

If Rhett’s actions were simply youthful indiscretions, Ambrose wanted to ensure they remained the last of a few, not the first of many. He resolved as the best course of action a military career for Rhett, boarding him at a strict military prep school for his senior year. To his relief, the boy acquitted himself well enough during his final year there that Ambrose was actually able to wrangle for him an appointment to West Point itself. Between the masculine camaraderie and the outlet provided by channeling his baser tendencies into the life of soldier and maybe even warrior, he hoped that Rhett could bring honor to the family and still find some satisfaction in his vocation. (Although stern, Ambrose did wish his children something that passed for happiness.) If that path was the wrong one, he certainly hoped that Rhett could be interested in learning to run the family business—but he was wary of putting his son in proximity to the constant temptation of flowing cash.

Ambrose had indeed sensed correctly that the blood of Grandpa Johnnie coursed mightily through his own son. But he assumed appetites in Rhett that, though similar to his grandfather’s, were not nearly as coarse—or equitably spread. Although Rhett Butler rarely said no to a drink, or to a bet that smelled lucky, he already knew when he discovered such vices that they would be never more to him than pleasant pastimes; mere props in a play peripheral to its narrative. One trait far dominated the rest.

He had known what would make life interesting for him since the age of seven, when his thirteen-year old cousin came to spend the summer at his grandmother’s country’s estate outside of Charleston. Becky arrived in late May, a tomboy of sorts, happily joining the group of pre-pubescent cousins who whiled away the day climbing trees and playing in the creek. Sometime in early July she took to bed "with a fever", and though she recovered rapidly, by the end of the month had shed her play clothes, and was trying on hoop skirts and looking at the latest fashions in the illustrated ladies magazines with some of her elder female cousins. And she now insisted on being addressed as Rebecca.

She had arrived that summer on the cusp of a transformation Rhett was only to understand years later. But he was nonetheless fascinated by it when he first witnessed it, a rebirth of sorts as mysterious and exciting to him as birth itself. When he looked at "Rebecca" in August, he experienced a strange stirring that had not been present when looking at "Becky" in May. Whether or not the charms of the fairer sex would have dawned on him at the same time had he not noticed their genesis in so particular a manner one cannot be sure, but certainly it was not based on a biological discharge of chemicals in his own body—he was only seven. His precocity was evidence of something greater.

Like a botanist and his plants, or an entomologist and his insects, Rhett had found the subject of his life’s work. It would be to explore, dissect, and understand the creature that was woman. As he himself was graced by good looks, charm and a genuine respect and curiosity for his subject, he was an excellent candidate for such an endeavor. He never articulated it as such of course, but by the time adulthood loomed he certainly recognized that the most fundamental fact of his life was not even in question.

He would be first and foremost a man who loved women.

MCO 2005

Rhett and Belle

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February 3, 2005

I have always loved the book Gone With the Wind, and the movie made of the same. I was so disappointed with the sequel, Scarlett, that the idea came to me to write a "requel," a different sequel that would basically ignore the one that came out. But in the course of plotting out my own version, I found myself concentrating on the relationship between the hero, Rhett Butler, and his prostitute/ paramour with a heart of gold, Belle Watling, and their illegitimate child that is clearly referred to in both book and movie. What started to take shape was a prequel, covering the 1850-61, the 11 years prior to that during which Gone With the Wind takes place.

As I was writing it, news came out that Pat Conroy (The Prince of Tides, etc.) had broken off negotiations with the Margaret Mitchell estate for "The Autobiography of Rhett Butler," designed as the official "prequel" for GWTW. The notoriously conservative estate would not approve of certain controversial topics, such as miscegenation. From my position of editor of Genre, I attempted to write St. Martin’s Press and pitch my own ideas. Not surprisingly, I never heard back.

Nonetheless I wrote 5 chapters, and I think they are quite decent. Regardless of the relative impossibility of getting it published, I would like to work on it again, and there is a built-in fan base which may be attracted to it via the Internet. I doubt very much it will even get enough attention to attract a Cease and Desist order from the estate, but I believe that if one is not actually publishing a work, Internet spinoffs are allowed.

So, for fans and the merely curious, following please find the first installment (a little tease, really). More will follow. If you like it, let me know. It will motivate me to get up earlier every day and pound out a few pages. Who knows? It may serve as audition piece for something else entirely.

RHETT AND BELLE

Prologue

Belle Watling was tired of war.

It was the hot summer of 1850, and Fort Sumter was just another place name on a map, as were Gettysburg, Antietam, Spotsylvania, and Appomattox. The cataclysm that was to wrench those places and all places in the American universe was still a decade and a million lives away. The war which engaged Belle was of far greater scope, longer duration, and held far less prospect of peace or surrender than a mere war between the states ever would. Belle’s war was every woman’s war.

The war between the sexes.

It was a man’s world, a white man’s world at least, and the weapons were many for the men and few for the women. A woman’s power was almost always dependent on her relationship to a male, a function of her status as a daughter, wife or mother. The exceptions were women who were nobody’s daughter, wife or mother—at least in the eyes of the world. Nuns and prostitutes were both sides of the same mirror. Nuns held the limited power they held by the complete rejection of sex; prostitutes held their power by the embrace of it. Belle was no nun, but she was a hell of a prostitute. And for nuns or prostitutes, two cardinal rules were ironically the same.

Don’t fall in love.

Don’t bear a child.

So it made little sense when Belle Watling did both.

The father was the one man to have challenged the self-imposed celibacy that had been Belle’s reward to herself as proprietor of a bordello who didn’t need to entertain customers.

He was the one man to have pierced an emotional armor so well in place that Belle had long forgotten a time when it was separate from her very constitution.

He was the one man Belle had ever fallen in love with.

His name was Rhett Butler.

More tomorrow. All goes well. I’m off the see my Parole Officer.

MCO 2005