January 19, 2005
The problem with three steps forward and two steps back is when you're in the two steps back part, you can lose perspective that you're still ahead of where you were.
I still seem to be grappling with an enormous amount of fear when I first get up in the morning. Actually, it starts before I get up and keeps me in bed until I finally tear myself out. Today I grabbed the AA Big Book, and read three pages recommended as a morning meditation at a meeting last night. To paraphrase: "We do not struggle, because we are not running the show."
Of course, the more you try not to struggle, the more you can struggle. How can I not struggle, when what I am going to do with my life, and where I am going to live is so fraught with uncertainty? The truth is I am afraid of not getting an interview, and I am afraid of getting an interview. The fear of rejection looms large, as does the fear of a credit check. I have a lot of wreckage from my past that still nears clearing up.
So I remember that I have some money in the bank, there is a job out there with my name written on it, and I am surrounded by love and support of family, friends and the program. It is a bona fide miracle that X and I are working together again, and both sober. It really is. I just have to do the work, and remember a little intimidation never killed anyone. Everything will be okay. I am not going to be homeless, I am not going to go hungry, I certainly am not going to drink or do drugs. The universe will provide.
So I am off to lunch and to the Being Alive offices to check their bulletin board for apartments. I hereby let go of this morning's fearfulness, and ask my readers to send me their supportive thoughts. I send them right back out at you, mindful that we all are going through shit every day, and the world can be a very scary place. After all, look who's getting inaugurated a second time tomorrow?
MCO 2005
