January 8, 2005
The bad new is that I am stll suffering from overwhelming anxiety attacks that literally put me to bed. Once there I breathe deeply, and steadily, and try to just be with it. Sometimes I read the Big Book (of AA, not the Bible), sometimes I read whatever book I'm reading, sometimes I make a phone call. But mostly I try to pray or meditate, calm down and even doze. When I finally get too bored, or have to pee for the 9th time, I get back up, turn NPR back on, and get back on the computer or do things I must do.
The good news is that at no moment have I been feeling like alcohol or drugs would be an appropriate response/salve to the anxiety. Every time I go to a meeting (which I do daily) I hear that this is an entirely normal emotion for early sobriety. Whether my particular brand of sobriety has elements of internalized homophobia or genetic predisposition is really beside the point. We all go into adulthood with an immense amount of fear about the world, alcoholics are different in that the substance magically treats those fears in a way it does not for non-alcoholics. And to a man, those that stay sober in AA share how much better it gets. I have faith that it will get better because I see it every night. I may up my meetings to twice a day though. Perhaps a nooner will alleviate an afternoon attack. They are time-consuming and fairly debilitating.
This evening will be a mini-miracle simply because I am going to a meeting with someone I never thought in a million years would get sober, much less like the meetings. He was as resistant to the idea as possibly imaginable.
Gonna try to take a whack at my Grandfather's Suicide Essay though. And Andrea got me back my car for the weekend, so at least I have wheels to get to this meeting in the pouring rain. L.A. is having one of its once-every-ten-years extremely wet winters. Yes, I'll drive carefully.
Breathe, he said.
MCO 2005
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