January 27, 2005
X and I arrived late to a mis-listed meeting in the AA directory last night, so, not quite feeling we’d had our 12-step "dose, " we went to an N/A meeting over in Silverlake. It was rather a refreshing shot in the arm, like going to a black gospel church after a Unitarian one. In general, addicts have even more wreckage to recover from than alcoholics, more anger to work through, and that much more gratitude to be in recovery. They also seem to battle more with relapse.
But the speaker was powerful, and the sharing passionate and dramatic. I am thankful to be able to equally identify with the alcoholics and the addicts. I am completely comfortable in either venue. Lucky me.
Meanwhile, I can’t assume I will be hired by Being Alive, so I am still job-hunting. I happily located the same job opening for which I was set to interview before my arrest, as a subtitling editor for French films. I haven’t heard back, but I would so much like to follow through with that.
In general, I am awash in the feeling of moving forward. Doing the work, and letting go of the results. Getting an apartment has obviously been an enormous relief. Every day I do something to get closer to where I want to be. But of course that place will always be somewhere in the distance, particularly as I raise my sights to higher goals. The key is to embrace the process, not the result. And to continually surrender to the will of the universe.
Ours is a process of discovery, The future, in many ways, is more fixed than the past. Once something happens, there is every reason to believe it was that that was always going to happen. And of course what you do today will effect what will happen tomorrow. But there is never any cause for regret, or second guessing. Acceptance is the key. Total acceptance increasing the likelihood of constructive change, because you stay focused on the solution instead of the problem.
Oh my God, I sound like an Amway rep. "There are no problems, only challenges." But it really is not a bad way to approach life.
Please take a moment to send your thoughts and prayers to a man I’ll simply call T. who I heard share at the meeting last night who is facing a prison sentence. He has clearly turned his life around, and incarceration is not the answer. I wish the judge in his case clarity and mercy.
MCO 2005
