December 28, 2004
May I just say that I was very gratified to see that 143 people were interested enough to see how I was doing on Christmas!
I don't want this blog to become Marc's "daily sobriety/anxiety report." On the other hand, you report what's happening, don't you? And there sure seems to be a link between my anxiety level and whether I get to an AA meeting. Last night I went to a gay meeting here that meets twice a week. It was just the right size so that everyone could share, and I shot up my hand in the hope of "telling on myself" and subsequently releasing some of my anxiety. I felt much better last night (though nights are always calming) and somewhat better this morning. This anxiety is like morning sickness. It comes and goes like waves of nausea. Fear. Just pure fear. And I'm in the safest of environments imaginable, surrounded by love and support. Feeling safe within oneself, however, is another ball of wax.
One area of personal agreement I heard in more than a few shares was that the less you define a "higher power" the closer you get to what that is. I'm not crazy about the G-word at all, because it carries so much baggage. I am though, trying to accept the reality that surrending to the will of the universe, the cosmos, the future, the power of love, whatever you want to call it, is an empowering process Giving it up is not the same as giving up.
But whether in LA or here, I do note a marked shift in what the program is about for me this time around. My first time round, years ago, it was mostly about my not drinking. Now it's about living sober. Less about what I'm walking away from, than what I'm walking towards. Or stumbling, as it feels some days.
In other news, damn the housing here is really cheap. I could get a two bedroom apt for $495, and a three-bedroom house for $925! On the other hand, perusing Craig's List for job opportunities makes it pretty clear that I'm much likelier to find something up my alley in L.A.
Decisions, decisions. I gave myself a Tarot reading that had some serious shit in it. Even I don't think I so fascinate anyone that they want to read all 11 cards, but given where I'm coming from and how I got there, I thought these two were pretty startling.
Situation: Ten of Cups
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You, your friends and the whole community join together in thankfulness for the rainbow after the storm.
The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.
When the Ten of Cups is in this position, the whole world seems to be filled with feelings of joyful celebration, relaxation and healing. These feelings come partly from being comfortably situated among your favorite people. Friends may seem to be everywhere. Cooperation and mutual support prevail. This situation, however, was not arrived at without stress and challenge.
Equate this magic moment with the clarity that follows inclement weather -- it's all the more precious in contrast with what came before. Even if life cannot stay this way forever, right now all feels right with the world. We are united, joyfully at peace. The blessing of the Creator rains down upon the creation in a sacred moment of recognition.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Higher Power: The Hanged Man
POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Have such confidence in your strengths and compassion that you could stand in for others less resilient than you.
The card in the Higher Power position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom.
The Hanged Man in this position suggests that it is part of your soul's growth to serve as some kind of sacrificial lamb. You should have elected this for special reasons -- you knew you were strong enough; it wouldn't be fatal or cause permanent damage; and in your great compassion you saw that you could help others whose vulnerability or fragility would make this experience too devastating for them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're probably wondering if I'm going to AA or a witch's coven.
MCO 2004
Recent Comments