December 26, 2004
Last night my sister read my blog entry, and explained her seemingly placid reaction to the stamp collage to me. It, had in fact, brought up many sharp and unpleasant memories she associated with knowing her brother was in an awful place and she was powerless to do anything to about it. Which wasn’t completely true, of course, she was able to do an immense amount of good, but it is true that that she couldn’t get me out of there any faster than events dictated. Still, her reaction surprised me at that the piece did reflect one unquestionably perfect thing: my complete joy at receiving mail, and all the love that mail represented. It hadn’t occurred to me even that part of the experience would be overwhelmed by the rest when it came to this manifestation of it. But she reassured me it was beautiful and probably just needed to spend some time with it.
We also talked about the possibility that I may decide to stay in Los Angeles after all. I have no idea if that would be smarter for me than coming to Albuquerque or not, I do know that there is a familarity there that I am taking so much pleasure in rediscovering. L.A. is home. And with my unexpected comfort level with “the program” I also can see myself staying sober there and enjoying it. I also can see getting a job more suited to my skills rather more likely that finding one here. And it wouldn’t hurt that my sister’s offered me her old Nissan, whether I stay or go.
Not that I am throwing out the Albuquerque with the bathwather just yet. I have to get out of the house a bit and figure out how to get around. I tried to get to a meeting tonight but found it hard to read the street signage and I was certain I was going to make an illegal turn or somesuch and find myself pulled over. So I decided just to drive back to my sister’s, barely retracing my steps successfully. Nerve-wracking.
Tomorrow she’ll show me how to go where I need to go during the day, and as there will be her husbands’ family visiting, in the evening, it’ll be a good chance to meet some new people.
Today I spent virtually the entire day working with my nephew on his documentary, about a disastrous film he worked on last March in Vermont. Almost everything that could go wrong, did, and Keir caught a lot of it on camera. Brainstorming with him about the narration and editing proved fun for me and fruitful for him, and exercised a lot of my underexercised creative muscles. He’s a smart, talented kid.
As am I, when I don’t get lost. Which, frankly, I am a bit right now.
MCO 2004
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