What to do

Sunday Evening November 21, 2004

Here’s what prison and doing drugs have in common. They reduce your sense of choice, but in so doing can increase your sense of purpose—not in the cosmic sense, but in the sense of what to do for the next 4 hours. Drugs make one’s first priority serving the needs of the high, and also getting more of the drug. Prison is about surviving and filling up the time with a limited amount of options available for filling up that time. You may have a job, but it rarely is a full-time one, and mostly you read or play cards or watch TV or write letters, go to chow or listen to the radio or sleep and that’s kind of it. No going to France, out to dinner, or to the movies. No picking up your kids at school or walking the dog or buying a CD or any of the 10,000 things you can do on the outside, (at least in principle).

I sort of feel like an East German in 1989, venturing into West Germany. I have so many choices and it’s a tad intimidating. Of course I had all these choices a year ago, but for years I used alcohol and drugs to fill up much of my leisure time. The results in general had to do with satisfying the libido, but not always, as I learned to work---both writing and bartending—under the influence. The point is, if I didn’t know what to do, I could always depend on the high to determine what next to do for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I much prefer West Berlin to Dreary Dresden. I no doubt will soon enough be working two jobs and will lament my lack of free time . Right now I’m a bit paralyzed. I can call anybody, read anything, watch anything, take the cross-town bus or a cab to a play or a movie or to see a friend. How do I decide what to do? It’s wonderful but discombobulating, especially for a Libra who has trouble making decisions in the first place. Except for these two: to stay clean and to never go back to prison.

And, a third, I guess. When in doubt, write it out.

Oh look, and it’s time for bed. I made it.

MCO 2004