(This is an excerpt of letter sent to a friend)
Tweaks, Beasts and Alcohol
I’ve been thinking of you a lot while reading the paper, thinking of all the things I would have enjoyed doing with you, mostly going to certain movies and theater plays. I realize before the tweak, I had cut back on such things because they cut into my drinking. I always went to the movies in the afternoon and rarely to the theater because going at night screwed up my 6:00 pm cocktail. I either went to the theater or movies at night a little buzzed, coming down just as the show ended and not really in the mood to go home, or I would resist and start drinking at 10:00 pm. That was fine, but it’s amazing how deprived I felt not drinking at 6:00 or 7:00pm. One cocktail would seem a civilized compromise, duirng the intermission at the theater, but how many times would my sensitive bladder be erupting while I found myself stuck in mid-row center, rendering the entire experience a rehearsal for a “gotta-go-gotta-go” commercial?
I share the above to remind myself that if I really embrace a “Big Plan” of abstinence, that abstaining from tweak while returning to alcohol may simply shift the addiction back over to alcohol. I think that while doing tweak, one is temporarily “cured” of alcoholism. I have the sense my biological mis-reaction to alcohol will kick right back into place once I’m tweak free. It’s a big leap to let go of the idea of a Bloody Mary before dinner and a few glasses of wine with it, but it so rarely stopped at that… And though I maintain the delusion that I held my liquor well, this is just “my beast” talking. My beast also tells me that if I don’t drink, my companions will somehow be disappointed, that I will be less interesting and fun to be with. I suppose that’s true- if they are also addicts. I don’t suppose the non-addict much cares. I certainly wouldn’t give a shit if they had a couple of drinks. In fact, a few people can use a little social lubricant, and soon become downright charming. But let’s face it, no one gets wittier and more interesting after 3 or 4 drinks, and I was usually just starting then.
MCO 2004
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